Beyond Their Comprehension
So, last night, Sci-Fi had a mini Gundam marathon showing eps 21-24. Naturally, I ended up crying my guts out over Lockon, but I was so loud that Mom came in and started freaking out on me. I usually try to stay quiet when I cry because I don't like anyone seeing that side of myself; however, I just couldn't hold back for some reason. I knew it was coming, but it was just as heartbreaking as the first time. (Actually, I cried harder than the first time. Also, major kudos to Alex Zahara for his portrayal as Lockon. In my opinion, he ties with Miki; hell, I even think he sounded like Miki at times.)
The thing that gets me, though, is that people need to realize that it's just one of my quirks. I know its stupid for me to cry over an animated drawing, but when an animated drawing has a personality, of course I'm going to develop some sort of feeling for them.
Nine years ago, I started watching anime, and I got a teenage crush on Kojiro from Pokemon. My first episode was Holy Matrimony, and I immediately took to the poor guy. I still feel for him, but I've come to accept his place as one of the comedic villains. I even think he's become cuter, after all this time. Heh. Its funny that I'm talking about Kojiro and Lockon in the same post; two of my favorite Miki characters.
My more classic example would have to be my first "true love"; my beloved Ernest-sama. I think what initially attracted me to him was his gentility. All of the guys that I've been around have had a severe lack empathy, so I found Ernest's personality refreshing. Sure, he was weak and could easily be mistaken for a woman, but he did have his moments of strength. So, I ended up with an instant infatuation-turned-outright obsession for him. I think I'd even go so far as to say that if he were a woman, I'd still end up loving him.
Sadly, my heart was crushed when he sacrificed himself for Garu. However, it wasn't the fact that he died for the guy who he secretly loved; I was just crushed because he died, period. The next day, I cried off and on, but I could never tell anyone what happened. Mom kept prying me about it, but I had to turn her away because I knew she'd never understand how I felt. She eventually got the message, and naturally she disapproved of my reaction. It was the same thing that happened to me, last night.
I think that's part of the reason why I don't cry in front of other people. I'll either get bitched at, embarrassed, or no one understands. So, I swallow my emotions, but I also know that isn't a good idea. If I keep my feelings locked up, when they come out, its like a dam breaking at full-force. There have been moments where I've been close to reacting violently, but I've managed to stop myself. I'm serious, its freaking frustrating when no one understands your feelings.
I'm afraid that they just have to realize that I'm a totally different breed than normal people. I never gave anyone permission to control my feelings. They just need to get that I'm going to get upset over such things, whether they like it or not. If they can't accept that, then they should at least have the decency to shut up and leave me alone.
The thing that gets me, though, is that people need to realize that it's just one of my quirks. I know its stupid for me to cry over an animated drawing, but when an animated drawing has a personality, of course I'm going to develop some sort of feeling for them.
Nine years ago, I started watching anime, and I got a teenage crush on Kojiro from Pokemon. My first episode was Holy Matrimony, and I immediately took to the poor guy. I still feel for him, but I've come to accept his place as one of the comedic villains. I even think he's become cuter, after all this time. Heh. Its funny that I'm talking about Kojiro and Lockon in the same post; two of my favorite Miki characters.
My more classic example would have to be my first "true love"; my beloved Ernest-sama. I think what initially attracted me to him was his gentility. All of the guys that I've been around have had a severe lack empathy, so I found Ernest's personality refreshing. Sure, he was weak and could easily be mistaken for a woman, but he did have his moments of strength. So, I ended up with an instant infatuation-turned-outright obsession for him. I think I'd even go so far as to say that if he were a woman, I'd still end up loving him.
Sadly, my heart was crushed when he sacrificed himself for Garu. However, it wasn't the fact that he died for the guy who he secretly loved; I was just crushed because he died, period. The next day, I cried off and on, but I could never tell anyone what happened. Mom kept prying me about it, but I had to turn her away because I knew she'd never understand how I felt. She eventually got the message, and naturally she disapproved of my reaction. It was the same thing that happened to me, last night.
I think that's part of the reason why I don't cry in front of other people. I'll either get bitched at, embarrassed, or no one understands. So, I swallow my emotions, but I also know that isn't a good idea. If I keep my feelings locked up, when they come out, its like a dam breaking at full-force. There have been moments where I've been close to reacting violently, but I've managed to stop myself. I'm serious, its freaking frustrating when no one understands your feelings.
I'm afraid that they just have to realize that I'm a totally different breed than normal people. I never gave anyone permission to control my feelings. They just need to get that I'm going to get upset over such things, whether they like it or not. If they can't accept that, then they should at least have the decency to shut up and leave me alone.
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